Dr Burns
by Slidell
Summary: Dr. Burns is having a rather interesting first day as a substitute teacher for AP physics thanks to three students: The O'Neill twins and one Daniel Jr. Some SJ and DV of course.
1. Chapter 1

DR. BURNS

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them; this is merely a creative outlet. No money involved, just the imagination. Enjoy (please).

Purpose: Humor. Fair warning, I was having a silly day with teacher training and therefore I had a silly idea that I used to write this silly fic.

SJ and DV (kinda, you'll see)

Please Review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Dr. Burns reporting for duty ma'am."

The young secretary looked up, letting her jaw drop just a bit as she got a better look at the man who had just addressed her. "Oh, yes, Dr. Burns, we've been expecting you! If you'll just follow me." The young woman led the almost middle aged, but nevertheless attractive doctor down a maze of halls until they reached their destination, a plain metal door. "I hope you're prepared for this, most people wouldn't last a week with this job. I swear, if Moira goes on maternity leave one more time…" and with that she opened the door and led him into a war zone.

"Excuse me, class…students please!" But the woman's voice was instantly lost in the seas of conversation in the high school physics lab. She was about to try again when a sudden loud whistle rang out from the man next to her.

"Hey! Knock it off!" The room suddenly became quiet and the students all looked forward, eying their semi-permanent substitute. A group of 3 at the back of the room continued a very hushed conversation. "Good morning campers."

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"D.J. you are so full of…" Gracie was about to finish telling her friend of forever off when the classroom door opened revealing the young secretary, followed by a man that made her start choking on her gum.

"Gracie?!" Her brother Jake began patting her on her back, "What's wrong, are you OK?"

As she regained her composure she remained silent but pointed to the man now observing the rambunctious class.

Word began slipping out of her mouth as she thought out loud. "Oh my God…, that's…no, it couldn't be…".

A whistle broke out followed by an all too familiar greeting of "Good morning campers."

"Oh yeah, that's definitely him." She said much louder. Noting the confused look on her brother's face she elaborated on her statement with a single word. "Loki."

"Gotcha." He said with sudden understanding.

"Got what? Who is that, he looks really familiar?" D.J. began questioning his friends, who as twins seemed to be able to carry on whole conversations with less than 5 words between them. But they were ignoring him.

"Wanna have some fun Gracie?"

"Oh yeah, this is gonna be good."

"Earth to twins!!!!"

Trying to keep the noise down as the new teacher was eyeing the class, Gracie leaned over and whispered, "D.J. just go with it, we'll explain later."

"OK, just don't get me in detention again this week."

Hearing this Jake leaned in front of his sister, "You know dude, you're mom forgot to pass on any of her personality to you." Gracie was beside herself with giggles.

But before D.J. could respond a voice began again at the head of the class.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Dr. Burns continued to scan the room. The secretary began to leave, but took a step back and whispered a word of advice. "Just watch out for the twins." But before he could ask why, the door was closing behind her.

Twins? He took another good look at the class, no identical persons. Then he caught sight of the group situated at the back lab desk. Two boys with a blonde curly headed girl sitting between them. He soon noticed that aside from length, the boy on her right hand side had the same hair, their eyes were different though. Hers were brown while his were a bright blue. The boy on her left had black hair and glasses. From the look on their faces it was obvious that they were up to something and that the two blondes were the ringleaders. So these were the twins.

"OK class. I'll be finishing your AP physics class this semester while your regular teacher is off having a life. My name is Dr. Burns…"

He was cut off by a snort followed by giggles that quickly ceased before he found their source.

"_Sorry, but 'Burns'? Is he serious?!" _Gracie couldn't control herself.

"…I haven't gotten a roster yet, so I'm going to have you all go around the room and tell me your names and then why you're all minors and studying AP physics."

Dr. Burns jotted down names on a makeshift seating chart as the class went through with their Bobs and Susans, and their 'so I can be doctors or engineers'. Then he came to the back table.

"My name is Jake…Simpson," the class started laughing but quickly stopped when Gracie narrowed her gaze. "I, um, decided to take AP physics so I could control things with my mind, guess I took the wrong class." Laughter again.

"Wise guy I see, and your _sister_ I presume."

The girl stood as her brother sat. "I'm Gracie Simpson, and AP physics is one of the steps on my path to GALACTIC domination." She held complete seriousness as she slowly took her seat while the rest of the class held their sides or bit their fists to avoid splitting with laughter.

_"Nice"_

_"Thank you brother."_

"I'm guessing the Simpson's make this class have quite a nice curve." Dr. Burns said with a wry smile figuring he'd stop the hassle quickly.

"Actually," D.J. was rising for his turn. "They tend to ruin it for everyone, they both have like a 99.9999999…..yadda." Two blonde smiles were now beginning to irritate him.

"And you would be?"

"D.J. Jackson."

"D.J.?"

A swift foot stomp from Grace made him yelp out an alias. "DON Jr.!"

"Guess I'd go by D.J. too." Dr. Burns sympathized somewhat sarcastically.

**So I did this to celebrate making the halfway mark on my other fic that I've been working on. (No, if you were wondering, they are in NO way related) I'll post the second and final half when I finish it! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Dr. Burns: Part II**

"OK, so ya know that hurt." D.J. muttered as he returned to his seat grabbing his foot.

"I said follow along didn't I?" Gracie asked with the most innocent tone. She had perfected it at a young age, and it melted any and every man or boy's heart, be they friend, family, or other. D.J. rolled his eyes and looked back to the front of the class.

Dr. Burns was pulling some papers out of a file and began to distribute them. "OK, looks like it's time for a pop quiz." He seemed to enjoy that just a little too much, and the room began to echo with gasps and groans. "Don't worry…too much. I just want to see where you all are." That gained some elated breaths of relief.

"No talking. You have until the end of class." Dr. Burns took his seat at the front of the class and began to play with a pencil until he grew bored with it and then moved on to pulling all of the tape out of the dispenser and forming a giant tape ball.

D.J., Grace, and Jake all took their quizzes, the twins finishing first, of course. Jake and Grace noticed that they both had time to spare and decided to entertain themselves. Being around each other that much had taken its toll, and without even conversing they began in on the same devious plan. The bell rang and all of the students at the head of the class rushed out, dropping their quizzes on the corner of the teacher's desk before making for the hallway of terror that formed between classes.

The three at the back of the room however, took their time gathering their belongings and cracking a few jokes that Dr. Burns couldn't quite hear. They were so involved in their conversation that they didn't notice when Gracie dropped something out of one of the pockets of her backpack, her school ID. The twins put their papers in the stack, followed by D.J. The three began snickering profusely after looking up at the glare the new teacher was giving them and booked for door. As soon as it opened the room was filled with the sounds of hundreds of voices, squelching shoes and slamming lockers. But Dr. Burns could hear the first part of the conversation that started as soon as the trio made it out.

He was sure it was the boy with glasses who asked the question, "OK, will you please tell me what is going on?"

Then he heard the other boy's voice as it started to blend in with the ruckus as the door began to slowly close on its own. "You realize that Dr. Burns is…."

And then the door snapped before he could hear the rest of the sentence. Dr. Burns is what? These three were going to be the death of him he could tell. Of all the things he had dealt with in his days that surely outnumbered what they looked like from his appearance, nothing had been as difficult as he was sure they were going to be. He got up and walked around the class to get the feeling for it. When he made it to the back he noticed the ID shining up from the tile floor. He picked it up and studied it. The young blonde's face smiled back at him, only this time it was a sweet smile and he actually found himself smiling back, especially when he noticed that the majority of the card had been doodled on and all that was visible was her first name, a partial student number and address. Usually he would have put off grading their quizzes until he had gone home and had a nice beer, but he was curious to see what else he could figure out.

He started with the first quiz on the top of the stack. D.J. Jackson. The quiz was quite good. There were a few mistakes on the math, but for all intensive purposes it was at least a solid B . He looked in the margins and noticed what looked like practice for a foreign language class, where the boy had surely gotten bored with the quiz that didn't really count.

Then he got to the first twin's quiz. Completely correct down to the last decimal point. Now he was getting irritated. This kid should probably be IN college. He looked back to the top again, it was the boy Jake. No wonder he and his sister were having such a good time and causing trouble in school, it wasn't enough of a challenge for them. Then he looked around the quiz to see that this boy, like the first, had also found time to doodle around the margins. He looked closer at the math equations. "How in the, what?" Dr. Burns looked more closely. This wasn't scratch work; these had nothing to do with the quiz. As far as he could tell, these equations looked like the formula for calculating interplanetary drift.

He quickly reached for the second twin's quiz. Grace, right, that was her name. This time he didn't even bother to check the correctness of the answers, but if he had there wouldn't have been anything wrong, it too was another A piece. Then he found it, there at the bottom of the page sat a perfectly descript, albeit short, explanation of wormhole physics.

"Son of a..." He muttered out loud. It had dawned on him, at least partially. Here he was working in Colorado Springs, and these two kids, and possibly the third as well, were obviously the byproduct of someone who worked for the SGC. Their little joke, though rather clever he mused, could get way out of hand. "Someone has been bringing their work home with them…" He said again out loud to no one. Then he looked at his desk again to see the picture of the curly headed brown eyed blonde looking back at him. This time the joke was going to be on them, or so he thought.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"You guys have a good day at school?" An older man's voice came from the kitchen when Gracie came in the front door.

Soon enough she was bounding into the kitchen to greet her father. "Yes sir!" She got to her tip toes and landed a peck on his awaiting cheek.

"Where's your evil twin?" Her father waggled his eyebrows tauntingly.

"How many times must we go over this Dad? I'm the evil one." And she gave an overacted menacing glance that made him laugh. She was giggling too and made her way over to the refrigerator to get a drink. "Jake had practice; he should be home in a few hours. I swear if track practice doesn't start back soon I'm gonna lose it."

She poured her drink. "So, where's Mom?"

"Huh? Oh, she had something come up at work, she'll be home soon."

"Cool beans."

Just then there was a knock at the front door.

Gracie put her drink down on the counter with a thud. "For crying out loud, I'll get it." And she made her way through the house to the front door. Her chin almost hit the floor when she saw who was standing there.

"Dr. Burns?!"

"_MS._ Simpson."

"Um, what are you doing here? Sir?"

"You seem to have dropped this on your way out this afternoon." He held up his hand to reveal her ID.

"Crap." Her eyes rolled back and she shut her eyes tightly. This was getting ready to suck. But then she opened them and smiled, maybe it wasn't going to suck for her.

"Are your parents home young lady?"

"My _dad_ is, but he doesn't like company, sorry." That evil grin that she got that irritated him was back. Why was it so irritating?

"Well, I think we need to talk about your quiz today, and certain, shall we say, extra credit that you and your brother added?"

"It's just a theory Dr. Burns."

"Yes, but I don't think it's yours."

"Then whose is it Sir?"

"That's beside the point. And are you a military brat or what?"

"Excuse me?"

"You keep calling me Sir like a professional title, not like a normal kid your age."

"Oh, sorry, we're Air Force." Huge slip.

"Let me guess, one of your parents work at Cheyenne Mountain?"

Her eyes got wide, was he on to them, maybe he had gone to the secretary's office…maybe he was leading her along and plan B was out as well. "Both, actually." She replied hesitantly. Where was Jake when she needed him?

"And do they know you like telling secrets outside of the base?"

"Sir?!"

"Un-huh."

Just then her father's voice came from much closer to the door. "Gracie-baby, who's at the door?"

She turned back cringing at her nickname and hollered, "Girl scouts!" No answer, he had either bought it or not heard her. However she still felt like he was about to chew her out when a very familiar angry face was looking at her in the doorway. She swallowed hard.

But just then her prayers were answered and help arrived. Her brother pulled his pickup in the driveway and hustled to the door, never noticing their visitor. "Practice got canceled so…Whoa!" Jake stopped dead in his tracks, and then he looked at his sister. "Gracie?"

She gave an apologetic stare. "I dropped my ID…address only by the way." She remembered her alterations now.

His big blue eyes grew a little wider with mischief. "Un-huh." There was starting to be a real lack of variety in the wordage of conversation and only two were in on the reason why.

"Alright you two, I need to talk with your parents. And they need to have a talk with you about what is and is not appropriate to talk about away from their place of work and your home."

Jake grew a huge grin and made his way in the door, grabbed his sister by the arm and pulled her reluctant form from the doorway, allowing room for Dr. Burns to come in. "Hope you had an aspirin today…" he chided. Then he winked at his sister. The boy was pretty evil too.

No one noticed the other car that had pulled into the driveway as they were making their way in the house. When they got to the kitchen Dr. Burns quickly addressed the figure that was now hidden by the open refrigerator door. "Mr. Simpson, my name is Dr. Burns; I'm your son and daughter's new physics teacher."

A voiced echoed out of the refrigerator. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess, _lying_ about their last name isn't the only reason you're here." At this both twins pulled their mouths in a tight frown.

Dr. Burns gave them both a strict but questioning glance, trying to figure out why they would lie about their names. "No, sir, they seem to have put some possibly high security information on their quizzes today."

"Now why would…" The silver headed man stood up from the refrigerator, beer in hand, only to come face to face with a much younger, and extremely flustered, version of himself flanked by his teenage kids, trying to hide the smirks on their faces.

"Jacob George and Grace Janet O'Neill!!!!!!!!!" Both twins shot back to the doorway.

"Sir?" they both cried in unison, suppressing giggles.

Just then another voice could be heard approaching the kitchen. "Jack? Whose car is that out front…Holy Hannah!"

Dr. Burns was about to get whiplash from continuing to switch his gaze from the man at the kitchen, to the woman who had just approached from the hallway. "Carter?!" He screeched.

Sam looked at him with confusion. "Jack?"

"In here, Honey."

The grey streaked blonde looked around the man standing in the entrance to her kitchen to find her _real_ husband further inside. "Jack, what's going on?"

"'Honey'? 'Jack'? What the _hell_ is going on?" Dr. Burns was fitting the definition of freaking out. He directed his gaze at the twins who were now trying to get the heck out of Dodge. Sam quickly grabbed her escaping daughter and spun her around and Jack did the same with their son.

"This is going to be one of the most interesting teacher parent meetings I've EVER been to." Jack said with a slight growl.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

So there they all were, sitting in the living room. Jack and Sam were sitting on the sofa eyeing Dr. Burns and the twins. Dr. Burns was shaking a bit in his armchair as he downed his second beer. Jake was slumped back in a separate armchair looking rather smug with Gracie perched on the arm looking like she had just eaten the pet shop's entire stock of canaries.

Finally Dr. Burns leaned forward and put his beer down on the coffee table before sitting back. "So…I…_you_ and Carter?"

"Yep." Jack said with a smug smile.

He turned to the twins still addressing the couple. "And they're your…."

"Yep." This time Sam had the smug smile.

"How?"

"Long story."

"Thought so."

Jake finally spoke up. "Um…we have a lot of homework that we should probably be getting to work on…"

"Ah Ack! Sit!" Their father only needed to raise his finger once and they were firmly planted back on the chair. "What, and I know I'm going to regret asking this, were you two thinking?"

Jake looked at his sister who had grown completely silent as she looked anywhere that wouldn't threaten eye contact. "It was her idea."

"No it WAS not!" Eye contact was back and fixed on her brother.

"You're the one who figured out he was Dad's clone!"

"And you're the one who said 'wanna have some fun?' Remember!?" If looks could kill. Apparently there were a few occasions when the devious masterminds really got into it. And apparently this was one of those few occasions. The bickering grew louder and more incomprehensible and when a few choice words that they had picked up from their father started coming out their mother finally interjected with a sharp whistle that she had perfected over the years.

"Hey!" These two were harder to control than the SGC, and she had been handling that for the past five years.

The twins cowered, "Sorry, Mom." They echoed.

"Now then, would you two _please_ answer your father? Jake?"

"Yes, ma'am. OK, so we were in class and _Dr. Burns_ here comes in to be our substitute because our regular teacher is having a baby."

"Wait a minute, your Physics teacher?" Sam looked at Dr. Burns with a bit of shock.

He caught it immediately and responded. "What's that look for Carter?"

Jack wasn't pleased hearing himself talk to Sam with that attitude. "Watch the tone there Buddy, she's not YOUR wife." A remark which earned him a quick glare from Sam.

Jake thought it would be a good idea to continue his side of the story before things got even more confusing. "SO! Anyways, Gracie about chokes to death when she sees him, and then she reminds me about that crazy Asgard Loki and….yeah. And from there we…I?" He looked at his sister for some support.

Already forgetting their scuffle she jumped in. "We." She smiled at her brother. "We decided to have some fun. It was harmless. Besides he started it by coming in there with an alias like 'Dr. Burns'." Then she started to babble off like her mother often did to her father. "And I still can't believe D.J. didn't pick up on it. He's so busy worrying he's going to get expelled or something. I mean, if they didn't kick us out for that incident with the Chem. Lab, then…"

They had reminded Burns of an important question. "Yeah, who is this D.J. kid anyways, he seemed to remind me of someone?"

Sam looked at her husband with a questioning glance. He raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes with his famous 'why not?' expression. She turned to his clone. "D.J. is Daniel's son."

"So 'Don' Jr. is really Daniel Jr." He looked towards the twins. That irritating grin was back on the girl's face. Then it hit him.

"Hey, that's my grin!"

Jack followed his gaze to his daughter who was now supporting a confused face that came as part of a package deal along with her father's eyes. "No, that would be MY grin, seeing as that's MY daughter." The girl beamed at her father who smiled back, he never could stay mad at her for long.

Dr. Burns pulled his hand over his face. "Would it be alright if I got another drink?"

Sam being a polite hostess replied. "Of course, help yourself." She went to get up to guide him but he waved his hand so that she didn't have to get up.

Jack followed Sam's gaze as the much younger version of himself made his way out of the room and towards the kitchen. "Samantha, _dearest_?" He waited for her to look his way. "We're you just staring at my butt?"

"What?" She began to turn a bright pink. "Sorry, you always did have a great a…"

She was quickly cut off by gagging and dry heaves coming from across the room. Jake had his hands around his throat with the official 'I'm choking' sign and Gracie was mocking sticking her index finger down her throat.

**I know that is a random place to stop…but I haven't quite finished yet, and this way there will be an actual Part III to close with. **

**Please Review!!! Thanks for reading : )**


	3. Chapter 3

**Dr. Burns Part III**

Dr. Burns stood in the kitchen contemplating whether or not a third drink was really a wise idea. Heck, his mind was already swirling about from the day's events; he didn't need to add to it. In an odd way he was rather satisfied with himself. He knew since 'the incident' that what little chance he had with Carter was gone seeing as he was physically younger than the twins at the time, that and the fact that he wasn't the 'original' Jack O'Neill. He had actually come to terms with that before getting over Carter, as much as he ever could. Deciding to go back to college and learning all the techno babble he could was never something Jack O'Neill would have done, no that was all Dr. Burns, that and wanting to know what Carter was talking about in all those memories he still enjoyed.

Knowing that at least in some part he had finally gotten to be with her was one of the best things that could have happened. Of course the _way_ in which he found out was still hard to grasp. And that way was two very smart, very ingenious, very _evil_ kids that just happened to share his DNA. Hearing what sounded like gagging coming from the living room he made his return only to hover in the hallway to listen in on the family discussion being held in his absence.

"You two are playing hockey on some very thin ice as it is, don't make it worse." He sounded older, but that tone and resonance was still there.

"So, what are we going to do about punishment?" Sam turned to Jack with raised eyebrows, part of a game plan that always made the twins sweat, if only for a minute.

"I don't know; depends on where this ranks on the damage-meter." Jack mirrored her raised brow with a slight grin that made the twins cringe with fear.

Sam cocked her head, "We could take their cars…"

Jake put on a fake smile and turned to his sister, "Hear that Grace?! Mom and Dad are going to take turns driving us to school, and practice, and the library, and…." He was cut off by daggers being sent from his mother's eyes.

"Of course that didn't work the last three times, as our son is trying so _vaguely_ to point out. What do you think, Jack?"

"We could have them taken off all sports teams until further notice." He looked to see the whites of both their eyes become completely visible.

Sam smiled at him sweetly, "Yes, and then they would be spending all of their spare time destroying the house."

Gracie spoke up, "I take offense to that! I would like an example of one incident that would provoke such a statement?"

"First of all," Her father began, "You've been around your Uncle far too much to speak like that. Second of all in the last two months, you, young lady, tried to sup up the washer and dryer so you only had to do your laundry chore once a week. And your brother made the lawnmower from hell. The neighborhood cats are still scared to come in our yard."

Gracie mumbled, "They worked fine until you plugged in the toaster."

"Grace, you blew a wall out." She winced and began to turn a faint shade of pink. "OK, your mother and I are just going to have to think about this one. Tampering with national security tends to rank a little higher on the list, so until that time consider yourselves, _grounded_."

Two low groans could be heard and Dr. Burns took that as his cue to return. On his way he passed two slightly disgruntled blondes who were making their way to the stairway as they mumbled under their breath to each other.

He alerted Jack and Sam to his presence. "Guess they really are a handful huh?"

"Imagine living in a house with three of you." Sam said without thinking. Jack just looked at her slightly stunned from her choice of words. "Sorry." she winced.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Upstairs the twins were sulking in Jake's room. Gracie was playing with his video game; walking her man right up to the enemy and watching her section of the screen turn red as she was perpetually eliminated. "Tampering with National Security?"

"I know."

"Tampering with National Security would be prank calling the President from the red phone in mom's office."

Jake looked up and scanned his memories. "Ummm…haven't we done that?"

"Oh yeah, huh." Grace giggled at the thought of one of their earliest well played pranks.

"That was a good one. Felt kinda sorry for Walter and Siler though."

"Siler thought it was funny though." Grace protested.

Jake chuckled, "Yeah, but Walter cried."

Grace threw down her hand control and wiped her hands over her face, pulling her bottom lip almost off before her features shot back to normal. "This part always sucks."

Jake had been sitting at his desk. Suddenly he thought of something and pushed back in his chair and turned with a scheming expression. "You know, if we're getting punished this much for having a little fun, then we may as well have a whole lot of fun."

The O'Neill grin was out in full force now. "What did you have in mind?"

He thought for a moment. "I got nothin'."

"Too bad…cus I was thinking we may just have one more trick in our bag."

"And what pray tell, would that be?"

"Oh, just a certain Dweeb Junior who seems to be getting off Scot free at the moment."

Jake turned back around to his computer and pulled up his messenger system. "Guess who's online?" He didn't wait for a response as he began to speak out what he was typing. "Hey dude. So our house phone wasn't working right. Can you call it real quick to see if we fixed it?" There was a pause then a ping as a message appeared. "He wants to know why we don't just use our cell phones?"

"Tell him we got them taken away."

Typing proceeded, followed by a ping. "He wants to know why."

"How long has he known us? Just tell him to call the house or we'll tell Libby about his little crush."

"He doesn't have a crush on Libby."

"No, but she has one on him." The evil grin back in place.

"Wow, remind me to never piss you off again." And Jake proceeded with his request and threat.

There was no ping but soon the house was immediately filled with different ring tones from the different rooms. The ringing stopped and the twins bolted for the head of the stairs.

They heard their mother's voice far away. "Hello D.J. I'm afraid Jake and Gracie can't talk right now…..No they're under house arrest for the time being….Really?...Oh, D.J. are your parents home by chance?...No, no, that's alright….Bye D.J." The twins exchanged high-fives when they realized that part one of their plan had worked. But then they heard footsteps coming closer to the stairs and they bolted for Jake's room nearly tripping over each other the whole way.

They had just thrown themselves down in front of the videogame controls when Sam walked in the door.

Jake looked idly at his mother. "So, decide on our punishment yet?"

Sam didn't speak; the twins just looked at each other with worry. When either of their parents didn't speak it was a bad thing, but even more so when it was their mother. She smiled at both of them quickly and walked over to the computer. She reached down and unplugged the keyboard and wrapped the cord around it. Then she walked over to the video game and removed the controls. She kept a small smile on her face when she made her way over to the door. Then she looked back at her kids who were both just staring with their mouths open. "Oh, and it seems one of you had a very good idea that D.J. has just informed me about." She held out her only empty hand. "Cell phones, now."

"Crap."

"D'oh."

They handed them over and she started to leave.

"Mom!?"

"What Gracie?"

"What's gonna happen with Dr. Burns?" She put his name in fingered quotations.

"Well, your father is giving him directions to Uncle Daniel's house right now. I'm not sure what that phone call was about, but it did remind us that while you two are usually the masterminds, you don't always work alone." Then she stepped out of the room, arms loaded with electronics and shut the door.

"THAT was what the phone call was ALL about." Jake said with a smug smile, now he looked more like his father.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Dr. Burns walked up to the house of someone he hadn't seen in years. The same someone who in his own mind had been his best friend. He had failed to ask who Daniel was married to, or how many kids he had. In fact, other than retrieving an address he hadn't gotten much out of his counterpart at all. He had gotten one thing that had him smiling even now; a well earned second glance from Carter as he left. Of course the look he got for her looking at him so inappropriately was a bit unnerving. Now he understood why so many SFs had been so scared of him.

Moment of truth, he rang the bell. A tall, thin woman with black curly hair with glints of silver wearing a rather low cut shirt for her age opened the door. "Well hello there."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have the wrong house." He looked to the street for the address again. There was no way Daniel had managed to get this woman. Maybe if she had been an alien, because the alien supermodels always wanted him back in the day. But this was now, on Earth no less.

The woman leaned slightly seductively into the door as she held it open. "Which house _were_ you looking for exactly?"

He coughed, "Um, uh, the Jackson residence?"

"You've come to the right place. How can I help you Mr….?"

"Burns, Dr. Burns."

"Doctor? Well well. I'm Mrs. DOCTOR Jackson, how can I help you?"

"Mrs. Jackson? Mrs. Daniel Jackson?"

"Vala, Jackson, actually." She obviously didn't like losing her own first name.

A voice came from the hallway inside."Vala, have you seen my…" Suddenly an older, thinner haired and thicker glassed Daniel appeared at the doorway.

Daniel pushed his glasses up his nose and tried to refocus on what he was staring at. "Wow."

"Darling? Do you know….Dr. Burns?"

"Dr. Burns? Vala, that's Jack."

"Jack who?"

"O'Neill."

"General? Jack O'Neill? The best man at our wedding. The god-father to our only son? The man we had dinner with this past weekend?"

"Un-huh."

"Ah yes, I see now." Vala looked at Dr. Burns like everything made since, even though it didn't. "So, Jack would you like to come in?"

"Yes, but I'm not Jack."

Daniel shook his head. "No, no you're not."

"Loki." Dr. Burns said in a monotone voice.

Daniel raised his head, "Ah!"

Now Vala was confused again. "Daniel?"

"Remember that time I told you that the Asgard cloned Jack and made a younger version of him?" Vala nodded, that had been one of the more interesting missions in her opinion. "This is him."

"Ah! Well, it is very nice to meet you Mini-Jack!" She grabbed his hand and began to shake it.

He only knew one way to respond. "Dr. Burns."

"Doctor?" Daniel asked.

"Can we talk inside please?"

"Oh, yeah yeah yeah, come on in." Daniel opened the door wider and invited the clone in. As Dr. Burns walked by, Vala noticeable turned her head and gawked as he went past her.

"Wow, Sam wasn't kidding." Daniel just raised his eyebrows above the frames of his glasses and looked at his wife. She smiled and made her way further into the house as well. "Can I get you a drink Dr. Mini-Jack?"

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**Well, this was going to be the final chapter but then I remembered we hadn't met the Jackson family….so I guess we have one more chapter left. Hope you guys don't mind. (Thanks for the Reviews!! I've never done a humor piece, ever, so I was a little worried)**

**Please Review and let me know how it's going!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Dr. Burns Part 4…The mischief continues…**

"So…Mini-Jack, excuse me, I mean _Dr._ Mini-Jack." Vala corrected herself. "What brings you to our lovely home?"

Dr. Burns sat back in the large couch in the Jackson living room, somewhat amused by the fact he had all of that seating space to himself while Vala had managed to pin Daniel in a single easy chair. "Actually…I'm here about your son."

The protective mother in Vala took control as she leaped to her feet. "My baby?! Why what happened?"

Daniel grabbed her arm, still trying to be the voice of reason. "Vala calm down, D.J. is in his room."

"Oh. Right." She sat herself down again.

"But…" Daniel interjected. "I would like to know how you found out about him." He eyed Dr. Burns, un-intimidated by the Jack O'Neill stare.

Dr. Burns took a deep breath before he continued. "He's in my physics class at school. I'm a long-term sub."

Daniel pinched his brown. "Physics?"

"Don't start." Dr. Burns warned with a pointed finger.

A curious glance grew on Vala's face. "I didn't know they allowed teachers to teach their own children."

"Vala!" Daniel hissed so harshly that she would have fallen had he not caught her.

"What?" She questioned oblivious to the problem.

Daniel just shook his head before leaning towards her ear. "He doesn't know about…"

But Dr. Burns cut him off. "Grace and Jacob?"

Two sets of eyes shot in his direction with an 'o' forming on both of their mouths.

"Like I've been trying to say. I'm here about something that happened at school today. Now, Grace and Jacob…_O'Neill_ were the major players, but your son was still involved in a serious prank today."

Daniel winced a bit, but not about the prank. He had gotten used to his son'scontinual involvement in the O'Neill escapades."So you know about Jack and Sam already?"

"Yep."

"And you're...OK?"

"Daniel." Dr. Burns warned.

"Sorry."

A few silent moments passed, different thoughts going through everyone's minds. Vala however, was the first to voice hers. "So…what did my son do?" The large grin on her face betrayed the concern she was inflecting in her voice. She was proud already and Daniel just rolled his eyes.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

In his room, D.J. was sitting back with his eyes shut listening to an advanced version of an MP3 player. He was close to falling asleep when he heard what sounded like a thump. Slowly he opened his eyes and straightened his glasses. He pulled out his ear-buds and looked around his room. The curtains on his window batted gently in the breeze, but something didn't feel right. Suddenly that feeling that he use to get when he was a little kid, that one that said a monster was lurking in a shadow in his room. Slowly he edged up to a seated position.

As he tentatively leaned closer to the edge to satisfy his curiosity he got a shock. "Arg!!!! Hey Dweeber!" A mass of blonde curls flew up from the side of his bed with an evil smirk and imitation claws drawn.

"Ahh!!!!" D.J. let out the most girly shriek of his life as he jumped so far back he fell off the opposite side of his twin bed only to find a hand quickly clamped over his mouth.

He was soon making eye-contact with a set of blue eyes. It was Jake. "Shhh! Don't alert the enemy!" Military life had sure worn off on these two.

D.J. pushed his hand away but remained on his back. His landing had not been the most comfortable. "What enemy? Aren't you guys grounded?"

"Since when has that stopped us?" Gracie said with huff as she plopped over the bed from the other side that she had been on; her top half hanging over to join the conversation beginning on the floor.

"Gracie. Hair." Jake pointed.

"Huh?" She began to fish through her locks with her fingertips and began to pull out several bright green leaves.

D.J's brow furrowed. "Why are there leaves in your hair?"

"Well, all major exits were covered by the parental units. So we went with plan B."

"C." Jake corrected.

"Whatever. We climbed down the tree outside my window." Gracie explained. "Very black ops, very cool…in a high school kinda way."

"I'll bet." D.J. confirmed rubbing his head and finally sitting up. "So why are you guys here?"

Jake sat up straight. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you haven't looked outside to see you have a visitor." D.J.'s vacant expression told Jake he was right. "Dr. Burns is talking to your mom and dad, as we speak."

"What?! Oh God, I'm gonna fail…I'm gonna get suspended…I'm gonna turn into you guys!"

No words were needed. D.J. was quickly calmed by not one, but two separate slaps to the side of his head.

Jake got up and sat beside his sister who was now sitting up on the side of the bedas well. "Look. We have a plan, _because,_ as long as Dr. Burns was at our house we know he's up to something. And as long as he's going to be _here_ after what Gracie did to his car…" He gave his sister a sly grin, "It may evolve. _Especially_ with your mom's help."

"What did you do to his car?"

"D.J.!" Three heads flew towards the door as the elder Daniel's voice rang out from the behind the door.

"Look, try and gather intel. And whatever you do, DO NOT let on that we have a plan."

D.J. got to his feet and began to move to the door and peeked out. With a growling whisper he turned back. "We don't have a plan!"

"Yes we do." Gracie insisted. "We just haven't told you yet because they'd crack you like an egg. Now go!"

D.J. shook his head and slumped forward. Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place. It was now or never, and he made his way towards his living room.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Half an hour later, D.J. finally returned to his room. He closed his door and slumped against it. "Guys?"

His closet door opened and the curly headed blondes practically fell out. "So…how'd it go?" Jake asked, slowly creeping up to D.J.

"You guys got me grounded…again."

"Who cares?" Gracie snorted. "What did you find out?"

"Well, they are definitely up to something. They clamed up the second I got in there."

"Did you pick up on anything USEFUL?"

"Actually…I may have…but…" A devilish smile grew across his face as he turned his head to the side.

"Don't you try to blackmail me Daniel Jackson!" Gracie warned.

"What are you guys going to do about it? You're supposed to be one floor up and four streets over…all I have to do is open this door and yell and you two will be cleaning the Stargate with a toothbrush."

"Uh!"

"You are so evil."

"I learned from the best." D.J. replied crossing his arms with a cocky grin.

"Flattery isn't going to work this time Dude."

"I was talking about Mom."

"Why I oughta…" Jake grabbed a fist drawn Gracie to hold her back.

"Hey, just answer two questions, and I'm in. I saw the look I was getting in there, and they aren't going to go easy on me even if I didn't have anything…much…to do with this."

"You have two questions, and I'm sure we can come up with two answers." Jake quipped.

"First, what did you do to his car?"

Gracie's 'Jack O'Neill' grin came out full force. "I may have switched a few connections…should keep it stationary for a good bit. Plus even when he finds out what is wrong with it, he should be so flustered he won't notice my true intention of screwing with his odometer." She giggled. "Speeding tickets are a butt."

"That's it?"

"Hey! You try popping a hood and causing multiple internal wire-crosses in the middle of the street without drawing attention. Besides, only took 3 minutes, that's a record."

"True. OK then…Jake, I'll leave the next one up to you. What. Is. The. Plan?"

An evil smirk grew across his face. "Oh it's a beauty…"


	5. Chapter 5

**Dr. Burns…the Fifth and Final entry Finally….**

"Oh that is a beauty." D.J. had to admit it. "Are you sure you can pull it off though?"

Gracie rolled her eyes. "Remember who you're talking to here."

Jake nodded along. "And besides, the two of us with a little help from you is a combination that _never_ fails."

"Never say never."

"Oh my God, stop being such a Daniel Downer. It's irritating beyond the much." Gracie grumbled.

Suddenly footsteps coming down the hall alerted all three kids to impending doom. Jacob grabbed Gracie by her arm and practically threw here out the window, but seeing as he was trying to get out at the same time, they got stuck. The two ended up hitting each other like cats until a knock at the door scared them back to reality and in two quick leaps they were out the window just as Daniel came in the door.

"Were you talking to somebody?" He asked as he came in with a curious push of his glasses up his nose.

"No." D.J. shook his head a little more than he should have to be convincing. Daniel just raised his chin, looked around and slowly backed out of the room.

* * *

"It would be a lot easier if we didn't have to hack out of the school computer system to hack into the other one." Gracie grumbled.

"If it's too hard, I can do it." Jake offered.

Gracie glared back.

"Are you two arguing already?" D.J. inquired from behind them. Both twins jumped and turned on him.

"What part of 'watch the door' did you not understand?" Jake barked in a harsh whisper. The three had tucked themselves away in one of the computer labs in the back of the school library. The task at hand would have been much easier if the twins had not lost their computer privileges at home. When offering his own P.C. for help, D.J. was reminded that he didn't have a secure enough connection for what they were going to do, or in other words, he'd get them caught.

"Geez. Sorry." D.J. mock apologized. "Wouldn't it be easier just to route out through a separate connection by hacking into the main administration system?"

Grace's chin dropped as she looked back with wide eyes. Her catatonically sardonic stare never left him as Jake chuckled and reached over her to the keyboard, quickly accessing their way out.

"Score one for the Jackson team." D.J. bragged on his way back to his lookout post.

Over his shoulder, the boy could hear arguing over which steps to take. The twins had tried to explain why this was a good idea, this two wave attack against Dr. Burns, but he still wasn't exactly sure what good the beginning steps were going to be.

"Why can't you just hit delete?"

"Because it doesn't delete it."

"Then why does it say 'delete'?"

"To confuse idiots like you perhaps?"

"I don't care if you are a girl, I will deck you."

"Oh bring it on…"

"GUYS!" D.J. was always having to break them up. He felt like the middle child, the mediator, the tug toy between two often ferocious…Chihuahuas.

"She started it."

"Just do it!" D.J. growled from out of sight. A triumphant grin was beginning to spread on Jake's face as he watched his sister work. But it was soon squashed when he heard an all too familiar voice in its younger form.

"Do what?" _Impossible_.

"Dr. Burns! What are you doing down here…in the library…right this minute…" D.J. was faltering all too quickly. Gracie's fingers were moving across the keys at record speed as she quickly inquired of her brother. "You did take down the security camera feed on this floor didn't you?"

Jake looked sheepish. "Woops."

Dr. Burns walked in just in time to see the twin sister smack the back of the twin brother's head.

"I'm afraid that's going to be detention, Ms. O'Neill."

"What for, Dr. Burns?" She smiled with sweet false intentions at the man and then a look of death at D.J. who was mouthing an apology over his shoulder.

"For hitting. I don't care if you are blood related."

"But Dr. Burns, I was just paying him back."

"For what may I ask?"

"He kicked me in the face."

"Oh for goodness sake…that doesn't count." Jake argued.

"Mom saw you do it!"

Dr. Burns looked aghast. "Your mother saw you kick your sister in the face?"

"On an ultrasound! You were hogging the rather limited space of her uterus!" Jake protested. Someone obviously held a grudge.

Dr. Burns moved in closer to see what was going on at the computer. He seemed smugly satisfied about something, and had the three kids not been up to something rather devious, they may have realized it was not about catching them up to something, but rather a precursor to what was coming. "What are you two doing back here, and with a lookout no less?"

The twins began to shake in their sneakers. Burns moved in closer to the desktop station where Gracie had not quite exited her master plan. Without much else to go on, she uttered out. "Jake, don't push me!"

"Wha…" Jake was befuddled when out of nowhere he was shoved against the desk area. Out of instinct, he quickly shoved her back, and the girl landed against the P.C., knocking the power cord lose just before Dr. Burns could take one click and find the formerly encrypted and no longer secure records they had been tampering with.

"That's it. Both of you have detention. And you know what? Mr. Jackson, you can join them."

"For what?!" D.J. screeched.

"Guilty by association." And with that, Dr. Burns walked off rather proud of himself.

"Did you guys get it done?" D.J. asked when he was sure Dr. Burns was gone.

He received two devious smiles in return.

* * *

"Why do I have to fix the television?" Jack asked for the third time.

"Because you were the one who left the cameras working so that he knew we were in there."

"Still worked didn't it?"

Gracie shrugged. "We'll know tomorrow." She replied before flipping through a magazine. Her brother meanwhile reconnected the cable system that was supposed to be out of order so they could not use it while their parents were gone, an ongoing source of grounding.

"Okay. We have liftoff." Jake crawled out from the entertainment center and plopped on the couch. "Still find it hard to believe they left us without supervision."

"All the supervision they had is with them. I told you, this plan is perfect. Them leaving tonight means the meeting is still on tomorrow…which means…Dr. Burns is going to suffer…insert evil laughter…here."

"Mwu Ha Ha." Jake offered.

About an hour into the movie, a strange noise from upstairs made Jake pause it. "Did you hear that?" With a concerned glance, Gracie nodded in agreement. She too had heard the sound.

"Why don't you go check it out?" Jake suggested.

Gracie cocked her head to the side. "You said you heard it first. You check it out."

Jake shook his head. "Go get my bat." Gracie shook her head as she quietly maneuvered her way to the entrance hall where her brother unceremoniously dumped his sports equipment. She took a detour through the kitchen and met him at the bottom of the stairs.

"Here." She whispered, handing him the bat. In her other hand she readied a meat cleaver.

Jake's eyes grew wide. "That's it. No more horror movies for you."

She stuck her tongue out but the arguing was cut short when their attention was drawn to the sound once more. Further inspection upstairs however, proved nothing was there. That didn't stop them from continuing the movie with the sound off and a steady ear, and occasional eye towards the stairs.

The late hour called quite literally on the phone. Sam told them to go ahead to bed, reminding them that they had class in the morning, and that she and Jack would probably be some time more, that preparations were taking a while longer than they had thought for the meeting the following day.

A light bickering over whether or not they had been caught ended with the conclusion that they would be in trouble by now if that were the case, and both twins headed to their beds. They were asleep for no more than an hour, though into the early A.M.s, when they both were awakened by a sound. Jake met Gracie as she came out her door with a bit of a shock at his presence.

Their twin connection that no one understood helped them maneuver without ever speaking a word in the direction of the sound which was now coming from downstairs. Nicky had his bat, and his sister had picked up a hockey stick on the way.

The downstairs floor was dark, save for the light off the street. But there was a definite rumaging and a ragged and deep heaving breathing sound coming from the very room where they had been previously watching television. Holding onto her hockey stick, and with a nod from Jake, Gracie reached out and turned the light on. To their horror, they were not alone. In the middle of the room, staring right at them, was something they should not have seen. In fact, no one should have ever seen something like this anywhere but a bad science fiction movie.

They both screamed, dropped their weapons, and flew up the stairwell with a werewolf right on their tails. Beating it up the stairs, they ran into their parent's room, locked the door, and flew under the bed.

A blood curdling howl could be heard from the hallway as the animal searched them out. Jake held his hand over Gracie's mouth as her teeth began to sink in. Her breathing was too loud though and he realized that his own was probably enough for them to be noticed. Then they heard the sniffing at the door. The beast had been at least seven feet tall, closer to eight. It's muscles ripped under it's thin grey skin and light layer of fur. The yellowed teeth were several inches each. Had either needed to pee…they would have done so by now.

The beast took one more, very long, very satisfied sniff under the door and cut it's breath short. It had found them. Both twins were trembling. The phone began to ring, and its sudden piercing of the air sent both of their heads into the bed frame. The beast howled at the door with a sound that surely would carry for miles.

Then, as they were on the verge of tears, the door began to tremble. It was actually trying to use the door, slowly turning the locked knob. Their breathing quickened. The door jiggled, and then, the door that should have been locked clicked and opened.

There in the door way, the twins could see two feet, clothed in tennis shoes. Both looked at each other quietly. There was no way that the thing they saw was wearing tennis shoes. Having been looking towards each other, neither saw the animal's face appear, staring at them from under the dust ruffle at the foot of the bed. The two screamed and belted out on opposite sides.

The were met with laughter which left them both stunned as they had jumped on top of the bed to jump away from the werewolf beast. There he was, Dr. Burns, laughing at them in their own house as they stood on their parents' bed that they had just seconds ago been hiding under. They looked down to see the werewolf, paused in a crouch. Suddenly a rainbow effect washed over it, and it winked out of existence. Dr. burns grinned an evil grin and waved a control in front of them in one hand, and pushed the button of another control in the other. The device let out a hideous howl.

"What the hell is the matter with you!?" The two screamed in unison. Their wide eyes made Dr. Burns laugh once more as he turned and walked away.

When they had collected themselves, they followed him downstairs. What they found there was even more of a shock. Jack and Sam were standing with equally satisfied grins on their faces.

"Let this be a lesson to both of you." Dr. Burns warned before stepping back into line and letting Jack and Sam get one more good look at the frazzled faces before them. "Don't mess with the big boys." And with that he left.

Jack and Sam giggled before being berated by protests of their involvement with the hologram from hell. When the phone rang again, they found out that D.J. had been trying to warn them that a giant predator alien had tried to eat his brains only an hour before.

* * *

The next day, in A.P. physics, the back row held three weary faces with bloodshot eyes and disheveled hair. It was obvious that none of them had slept the night before. But what was also obvious, was that for some reason they had opted not to miss class despite this fact. Some would later argue that they were in fact the first ones in their seats, and the least surprised with the events that followed.

Dr. Burns was a few minutes past the bell when they heard him arguing his way down the hall with one of the administration over being late for a speeding ticket that he should not have gotten. The second voice left as the three in the back were all looking at their watches intently.

Gracie O'Neill closed her eyes with pleasure and grinned. She didn't get a chance to open them though because her brother's hand quickly shot over them mere milliseconds after the door opened, but she was allowed to see soon enough.

The class was in an uproar. And in the middle of it, flushed red with embarrassment, was an obviously shirtless, and by the reaction of the rest of the class, pantless Dr. Burns hiding behind the front desk, desperately trying to put on a lab coat. "Class…dismissed!" He fumbled with the words as he fumbled with the ties of the too small child sized lab garment. "OUT!!!!" He hollered, and the class quickly left the room, save for three students who took their time gathering their belongs and slowly walking by the desk, each with a single phrase to leave with him after Jake dropped off a note.

"Woof…"

"Woof…"

"Live long and prosper…"

The note read..."Let the games begin."

* * *

Sam was staring down at the Saturday School notices in her hands. "Explain to me one more time how you managed to pull this one off?"

"Okay…first of all, he wasn't supposed to be totally naked…secondly we knew about you guys having that meeting onboard the new flagship with those important alien folks since you run the facility and since Dad, and then Vala were on SG-1 all those years…" Jake started.

Gracie picked up. "So we hacked into the system, via some rather easy to reach homeworld security sites I might add, and manipulated the locator that was left in Dad's clone…a.k.a. Dr. Burns, so that when you all were beamed aboard this morning, he would be temporarily beamed as well. But it had to be at the same time you guys were beamed because those systems are not accessible, we've tried be…never mind."

Jake took over. "He was beamed just long enough to leave something behind, which was one of the other modifications we had to make. The transport was to maneuver him less than a few feet away from where he was so that he wouldn't notice he had been beamed out. However, only organic forms were to be returned."

"Organic?" Sam squinted at the two of them.

"Well…yeah, like cotton…look mom, the guy wears poly-blend. That's not natural…but something like say…cotton boxers like Dad wears would be."

"Guess we figured they were still a lot alike." Jake interjected.

"Dr. Burns is not like your father in his…underwear preference?" Sam giggled.

"Oh…he likes organic…"

"Don't tell me…"

"Yep." Gracie nodded.

Jake leaned back with his hands behind his head. "Commando."

**-----The End ----**

**A/N: Yay! Two stories finished in the same week! My one and only comedy piece, however it may not be THAT funny I know lol. It was still fun to write. As I've said on my profile, I'm retiring from fanfic writing for a while, but I'm trying to finish all of my stories if I can before I start back to school in mid-August. So look for regular updates, or at least completions of the stories I have not finished yet. Thanks for reading!!!!!!!! Please review, and if you have the time, please take my survey poll on my profile. **

**THANKS FOR READING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


End file.
